Owwie

Well, yesterday was certainly nerve-wracking. My daughter called from New York in a cab on her way to the Emergency Room. She had fainted and busted her chin open when she hit the floor. She sounded calm, thank heaven. I concentrated on the immediate problem of the gash on her chin and advised her to request a plastic surgeon do the suturing. That's the best I could do. Pathetic, I know, but I am a coward when I'm faced with the fact that there are things out of my control when it comes to my childrens' safety. So, I shut down emotionally so as to remain calm which probably comes off as cold to my frightened, hurting child. What good would it do anyone for me to lose it? I'm not the panicky sort -- outwardly. What I really wanted, what any mother would want, was to hold her. I cannot describe the helplessness I felt knowing she was so far from me. I was reduced to calling to keep her company while she waited.

I told myself she fainted because of the heat or dehydration or maybe because she could be anemic. Then came news of CT scans to rule out a blood clot. My practical side said wait for the results of the scan before deciding on a course of action. If it weren't for the fact that book club was meeting at my house last night, I would have been a basket case. Preparations kept me occupied while I waited for word. I couldn't tell you anything about our mercifully short discussion. When they left, I called again and we talked for a while. Her roommate was coming to sit with her so that made me feel a little better. I climbed into bed as the hours wore on with the phone clutched to my chest.

She finally called at 1:00 am telling me she'd been released and was on the way home. Nothing on the CT's, no blood clot, just a very sore, tired little girl with five stitches in her chin. I guess I'm glad I waited but God it was hard.

Turns out this gave someone very special to her a chance to prove how much she means to him. I'm confident she will be catered to and loved and that's how it should be right now. I know she loves and needs me, but Mom can't provide the validation of her feelings that she is getting from him. My place is here; his is there and I am grateful for the glimpse into this man's character.

Where did she go?

Yesterday, 10:00 p.m.
My daughter is home. She's been home a week (a minute in Mom-time) and is returning to New York in the morning. We've really only had this one day together - stolen from the library. Migraine was my excuse. We spent the day together watching "Big Love," lunching at Flying Fish, shopping, and taking in a movie - "Ratatoullie." It was a wondrous day of talking about nothing and everything. She's doing what she loves and is beginning to see success. She's happy so I am heartbreakingly happy.

When she comes home for a visit, I spend the days before she arrives in a state of anticipation. And then, a funny thing happens when she finally gets here. It's cliche, I know, but it's like she never left. Everybody and everything falls into place. She and her brother fall back into their hilarious repartee. Her phone will ring incessantly. We laugh more.


She is with her friend now for farewells. We don't know when she will be back home again. She's here now but I feel she's already gone and I am incredibly sad. I'll be devastated for days. Will my children always have such power over me? Dear God, I hope so.

Today, 5:00 a.m.
And, in a whirl, she's gone. Back to New York and her future, taking my heart with her.